Opening my Hands, Releasing
The LORD on high [is] mightier than the noise of many waters, [yea, than] the mighty waves of the sea. Thy testimonies are very sure: holiness becometh thine house, O LORD, for ever. Psalm 93:4-5
I am in awe, my LORD, of the beauty of Your earth. From the mushrooms to the dew on the grass the small and often unnoticed … to the majestic mountains and the mighty seas. I am in awe. You have given me life on this earth. I want to be a good steward of all you have given to me. You allowed my parents to have me as their first child. You have allowed me to care for my mother at her elderly age of 96 as she lives her days in the nursing home. LORD, this week, I so struggled with my grasp on her, on the way I want things to be. But she nor those things are not in my grasp. I realized that a few days ago (once again), and began to open my hands, releasing the tight grasp I have on my mother and the need to have control. She is Yours, my LORD. You created her and have loved her with an everlasting love for all of these years. You knew her before. You wove her in my Grandmother’s womb. You gave me to her for a period. She truly never had me completely either, did she? I was and am Yours too. Since my grip has been rather tight on her, I realize, truly realize, I must give her back to You as she is not mine. Yes, she is my mother. I love her dearly. She raised me. She loves me. She still knows me. I thank You for that amidst all else. But she is not mine. She is Yours. She never was mine to own. I held her hand as a child. I knew her touch. I felt comfort and security in her hands. I think she feels that in mine now. YET, I do not own her. I never did. I NEVER did. That is so hard for me to say, precious LORD. Tears are welling up as I type; the release is hard. Painful. So necessary though. I must release her to You for You are her Husband, her Creator, her Maker. You know the number of her days. You know the hairs upon her head. She is Yours, LORD. She was never mine. I just did not understand. I am beginning to and will do as You wish me to do and be for her. I am in Your hands too. Walk with me, LORD, through these days, these times. Please. I know You will because You do. I am sorry I held her so tightly. Take care of her, LORD, yet while she is on this earth, and when You call her home. I will take care of the needs I can do when You appoint them to me. I thank You so for providing this excellent nursing home and precious staff.
Oh, LORD, she is my Mama. I love her so. Gently help me to open my hands all of the way that she is free of my grasp. As I kneel before You, LORD, touch me and make me know that You are the One and Only in control, that the small and the large are Yours and Yours alone. Amen.