Abba, when I color in the lines, I feel like I have some control. I feel that the boundaries are there, all around me, and I am safe. When I color inside the lines, I sense some sort of satisfaction with being neat and tidy. I like this feeling. I did as a child when I colored or painted by-the-number for I knew how it might turn out when I was finished. I just liked that and actually still do. That safety issue keeps ringing in my ears and heart too.
Your own created beauty has lines. Can I color them? I know You have colored them already, but will You allow me to color them today?
YET… it is not about me having control, is it, Abba? It is about me surrendering and obeying You. So when I color where You ask me to, or tell me to, it is alright? Will I be safe? It is not about safety, is it? It is about my relationship with You whether I color neatly inside the lines or create life outside those lines, as long as the life, whether colorful, or gray, or black and white, is the life You have called me to. Why does this feel hard, Father? I seem to be figuring out what and how to do and be without Mama here. She is gone and that piece of my life missing. I can’t color inside those “caregiving” lines anymore. I have to move on into the next step of life where You call me. Someone recently blogged about stepping “Forward”. That is what I need to do and am trying to do.
But I also want to curl back up inside those lines of safety because I feel like that child again who needs the confines of order: those warm blankets, my Mama’s arms, her sweet peck on the neck or cheek, the security of my Daddy, the sacredness of my marriage with the protection of Christ in the center of two. Oh, Abba, I have that last part. My marriage is wrapped in Your arms, in the security of Your love, and within Your Word. It is built upon the Rock. Whether I color inside or outside the lines, I have You through my marriage and through my belief in You. You are all I need.
I am so very grateful for walking me through this as I type words that I didn’t even know were there. Thank You for giving me Your Holy Spirit to teach me, to pray for me, to show me the way.
You will forget your misery;
you will remember it as waters that have passed away.
And your life will be brighter than the noonday;
its darkness will be like the morning.
And you will feel secure, because there is hope;
you will look around and take your rest in security. Job 11:16-18 ESV
I think I shall go get my colored pencils and see where You lead me?
“Sharpened Pencil Next to Sheet Paper”: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Sharpened_pencil_next_to_sheet_paper.jpg